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Fat Princess Adventures review

You have cake and I scream

Satiate your monstrous appetite by gobbling up cake to restore your HP, and keep on guzzling to supersize your hero in a comical power up that will have you bursting out of your armour and crushing your foes with your big meaty hands. Although short-lived, the huge boost in stats that accompanies your mammoth stature is great for clearing out mobs when you’re in a pinch and it’s worth gorging when you’re at full health for the power boost, rather that saving the slices to top up your HP bar.

The character creator has all of the usual options – cute hairdos,
makeup, and a range of skin tones – but as a quirky addition, you can
choose between five personality types. Aside from your hero striking a
different pose to illustrate the essence of each one, their running
commentary during the game will be governed by the personality you pick.
So choose wisely, or you may find yourself at the receiving end of an
onslaught of smart-mouthed emo quips coming in at a mile a minute.

maps are littered with checkpoints, letting you switch between the four
available classes at each one. You can flip between a Warrior, an
Archer, an Engineer, and a Mage, and you’ll almost certainly be doing so
frequently. During your travels, you’ll Hoover up plenty of loot – with
duplicate items handily transformed into gold when you pick them up –
but the weapons and armour collected can be for any of the four classes,
so if you do have a preference, you may never come across another piece
of armour for them, or you might never find the incendiary staff you
were hoping for. Swapping classes really is a necessity when considering
enemy affinities and your own loadouts.

The downside to this is
that you’re often unable to invest the gold needed to upgrade items for
your favourite class, instead spreading it around a couple of classes
to cover all eventualities. Upgrading items alters their appearance and
properties, but the anticipation of witnessing what your Mage’s staff
eventually will blossom into is abruptly quashed when you have to eke
out the pennies in a woeful attempt to be frugal.

The story isn’t
particularly deep, but the lack of narrative clout isn’t a problem. I’m
okay with being sent off to rescue a princess, and if she can chip in
with the slaughter on the way back to her castle rather than becoming a
burdensome escort quest upon her rescue, all the better. But it does
matter when the combat itself lacks impact. After bashing and blasting a
few brains, it’s evident that this combat is undercooked. There’s no
weight to it, no feedback. Incessant button mashing as you pick one of
the two attacks available isn’t as fun as it sounds. And when it sounds
as dull as dishwater, that’s clearly a problem.

The enemy AI
doesn’t help matters, as all it seems capable of is blindly rushing you,
and will doggedly mete out and receive a beating until one of the two
of you succumbs to injuries and dies. Occasionally their corpses will
leave behind a delectable wedge of cake to fatten up your HP bar, but
the absence of a dedicated healing item in the face of swarms of enemies
who barely miss a beat after a full blown AOE attack is hugely
frustrating. Combat becomes exasperating, aptly demonstrated by the fact
that my emo hero’s blasé attitude towards upcoming frays
unintentionally broke the fourth wall with how on the nose her
grumblings were.

Boss fights could’ve been fun, with their
charming set pieces and kooky characters, but they’re laughably
underpowered, meaning that the difficulty of each of these encounters
lies in fending off the mobs long enough to direct a hit or two in the
boss’s direction. All of these battles involve picking up items around
the arena, and throwing them at the boss or another target to make them
vulnerable for an attack, but given that you’ll be lucky if you have
time to blink as you swat at the hordes of cannon fodder engulfing you,
achieving this seemingly simple feat will drive you to the brink of your
sanity if you’re playing alone. It’s likely you’ll be found days later
with the curtains drawn, smeared with icing and covered in cake crumbs,
desperately trying to replenish your HP as you weep into your Victoria

At first glance, Fat Princess Adventures is a
candy-coated, hack-and-slash romp through a deliciously whimsical
landscape, but the hollow combat and shallow gameplay leave a bitter
aftertaste for what would could’ve been an enchanting addition to the

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